Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
