I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
