Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
