I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
