I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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