Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
