I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
