when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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