I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
