If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
