I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
