I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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