i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
