Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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