I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
