Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
