The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
how does that bad decision feel?
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