Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize