I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
