Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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