I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
