He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
My ATM looks so different sober.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
