Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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