i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
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