these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
