Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
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