We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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