Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
