There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
