Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
