how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
