I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
