I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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