its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
