Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
