it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize