I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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