My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
