This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
