i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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