Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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