omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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