my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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