She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
