Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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