How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
