She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
