Pants 0. Shit 1.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize