I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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