I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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