Will you blow on my dice?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
