He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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