dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
