Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
