cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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