i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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