That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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