My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
