just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
