I'm so fucking centered right now
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
