I feel like abortions should bother me more
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
