And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
