Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
