I faked an abortion last night.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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