I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize