If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
