I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
